Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Why I am No Longer a Democrat

Ted Kennedy and Chappaquiddick.

No, seriously. Here’s a transcript of my testimony before a secret meeting of the United States House of Representatives Committee on Apostate former members of Major United States Political Parties, on 17 July 1988.

I remember it was a very hot, muggy day. The committee had put me up in a cheap motel in Crystal City over near the Pentagon, and sent over an un-airconditioned taxi that stank of “eau de Lobbyist” to transport me. I apologized to the taxi driver for not giving him a tip, mumbling that I was in hiding from political persecution.

He sneered. “I am from Haiti. I am not impressed.”

In any case, he had driven all the way to Maryland before bringing me back to the Capitol building. He spat on me, and sped away, hissing parenthetically as he skidded round the corner, “I voted for Lyndon LaRouche, merdaillon!”

Must have been the French name that appealed to him. The ritual scarring and tatoos made me think he might have been a former member of the Ton Tons Macoutes. That and the way he threatened me with a mace bristling with rusty spikes. Well, if you’re going to decamp from a group like the Democrats, you already know what to expect.

So, here’s an excerpt from the transcript:

Honorable representative [deleted]: So you’re telling us that once you had progressed beyond the level of house-to-house canvassing, your handlers began to pressure you to become involved in activities that you considered dangerous?

Me: Yes. Not just dangerous. Illegal. Unpatriotic. InHumane!

Different Honorable representative [deleted]: Can you give some detail?

Me: Well, I was asked to come to a meeting. When they wouldn’t tell me what it was about, I began to get really worried. I thought I was being dragged into one of those pyramid sales thingies, like Tupperware or Amway. But when I got there, it was just a bunch of other democratic canvassing volunteers like me, and a guy in Gold Lamé overalls with a kind of pitchfork.

First Honorable representative [deleted]: Pitchfork?

Me: Yeah, with three pokey things. Tines...

Honorable representative [deleted]: Sounds like a goddam TRIDENT!

Suddenly alert Fourth and Fifth Honorable representatives [deleted and deleted]: Jeez. Are we voting on those damn sub-launched ICBMs AGAIN???

At that moment, the door bursts open and JOHN KERRY sticks his head and important hair into the hearing room just long enough to shout: I VOTE **NO** TO WASTING ANOTHER PENNY ON AN OBSOLETE, OVER-PRICED, WAR-CRIME-ARGLE-BARGLE TRIDENT WEAPONS SYSTEM!!!!!!!

[Door slams shut.]

Me: Is that what it’s called? So, anyhow, first they turned the lights off and lit a bunch of candles, and then they brought out this big platter with what I thought was a roasted pig on a bed of endive and that kind of spinach stuff that tastes real nutty...

Third Honorable representative [deleted]: Pig? That won’t play with the Jewish voters...

Me: But it wasn’t a pig, sir. It was a little baby!

All present: My God!

Me: They told us we each had to take a bite of its flesh, and swear to become MINIONS OF SATAN! And THEN we would become mid-level party hacks and be entrusted with the lesser passwords of the annointed.

(To reassure those of you who may be deeply upset at this point, I’ll reveal that the baby was not roasted, just slathered in Barbecue sauce. And I didn’t take a bite.)

So, since that testimony I’ve been in the witness protection program, but there are too many Democrats running things there. Even though I change my name every few weeks, I’ve lost count of how many apartments and homeless camps and rail trestles I’ve called home for a few nights. Some day I’m going to stop this runnin’, and settle down, and hold my head up high again.

And when I do, I’m voting for GEORGE BUSH!!!!!


Post a Comment

<< Home