Saturday, August 21, 2004

Separated at Birth!

Remember folks— you read it HERE FIRST!

My patient research, which meets Tom Oliphant's highest journalistic standards [meaning I’m not questioning ANY of John Kerry’s wounds, from razor burns to hangnails... NOT EVEN those tiny little holes made by the BOTOX injections!] has established an astounding datum.
[drum roll...]

Separated at Birth:

John Kerry and Herman Munster!

Well, actually, at the risk of being really mean to the memory of a fine actor, John Kerry and Fred Gwynne.

Fred never liked to talk about it during his life. There were a lot of reasons they never were able to be close, despite many eery parallels. Although they each had early lives of privilege and wealth, Fred attended an excellent private school in AMERICA. By stark contrast John ended up in a private school in Switzerland, where they consume too-rich cheeses and every able-bodied male is expected to keep and maintain proficiency with a military assault weapon for the defense of their beloved country. The fiercely maintained political neutrality, the refusal to become involved in the vast contest between good and evil that surged all about them, the constant repetition of the William Tell Overture, the long tradition of secret bank accounts, the myriad cows with their musical bells, the proximity of the Von Trapp Family— all these things must indeed have had a profound effect on young Johnnie, eventually overthrowing what might have become a fine mind.

The briefest comparison shows what Kerry could have achieved, if only he hadn’t been tragically sidetracked.

After attending Groton preparatory school, Fred Gwynne enlisted in U.S. Navy, and spent much of World War II serving on a Sub-chaser. After his discharge, he first attended New York City’s Phoenix School of Design for a time. Then he entered HARVARD on the G.I. Bill. In spite of the distractions of serving as a staffer on the Harvard CRIMSON and as President of the Harvard Lampoon, and performing in many undergraduate theatrical productions, he handily completed the requirements for a degree in English.

Along the way Fred learned the pride that comes in actually earning a living, and took great joy in a number of enterprises--- He acted in motion pictures and TV, wrote advertising copy for J Walter Thompson, wrote and illustrated children’s books that are still available through

Although Fred Gwynne is known frequently to have used heavy theatrical makeup, he was always able to distinguish between reality and “make-believe.”

Although Fred Gwynne served on a United States Navy ship that was designed specifically to destroy submarines that contained other humans, he forebore after his discharge from accusing his shipmates of war crimes and atrocities simply to gain publicity or notoriety and thus possibly advance his career.

Even though he attended Harvard simultaneously with several members of the Incredibly Glamorous Kennedy Clan, Fred Gwynne was always able to keep track of his own identity.

He never served a single term in the Senate or the House of Representatives. Yet in the last ten years of his life, Fred Gwynne’s total of actual legislation that he sponsored and managed to get passed by the U.S. Senate, is only one less than John Kerry’s total for HIS last ten years! (A remarkable achievement!)

Fred Gwynne didn’t do girlie stuff like inject Botox into parts of him to be smooth and young looking.

Fred learned never to insult entire nations at a stroke, such as our allies in rebuilding Iraq— Australia, Italy, Japan, Poland, Bulgaria, South Korea and most of all, Great Britain— by dissing them as a “fraudulent coalition” of the “bribed, the coerced, the bought and the extorted.” At least not in major speeches those nations might be sitting around the radio listening to. 

Oh, yeah, and Fred also didn't immediately turn around and claim he would heal the wounds between our allies and ourselves, right after insulting the allies that put themselves in harm's way to help us.

Gee, I could go on, but it is all rather sad.

As more I research the life of Fred Gwynne, so more I realize how much better a candidate and president he would have made than John Kerry. Seriously.

God rest his soul. He was a fine actor, and is much missed.


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